Why I don't use the term 'Self Sabotage'

Firstly to say, if you like the term and find it helpful, great, use it. There is no judgement or wronging here, thats what I'm actively trying to avoid with this reflection.

Terms like this can be helpful in bringing our attention to and seeing patterns in our behaviours, we can then categorise and label them and more easily spot them in the moment, all useful stuff. But I find this is just the start of creating change and this term doesn't see the whole picture or whole human. When we are focusing only on the behaviour it can be used to shame ourselves or others, where as when we look deeper we can see theres more to this.

Self sabotage is a term used to describe conscious or (more commonly) unconscious behaviour that can create obstacles or avoidance to our goals, future plans and wellbeing.

These behaviours can take many forms from gravitating to things/people/substances that ultimately aren't good for us, procrastination, perfectionism and critical self talk to name a few.

Our behaviours are more often unconscious than conscious, meaning they are automatic, habitual, or responses that don't always make logical sense, as they have hidden reasons often formed in our past.

So if we are stuck in an unconscious behaviour pattern, that is in some way causing us a degree of harm or discomfort. We want to change the pattern, but keep finding that we are repeating it. If this is pointed out and called 'self sabotage' I wonder how that feels and does it really see the whole person or internal struggle that may be happening.

Often, if we are not doing something that we believe would help us, it's because we also believe it could cause us some harm or emotional pain, and we are protecting ourselves from that.

It's self protection rather than self sabotage.

Not convinced, let me give you some examples...

We set ourselves a goal of writing a blog post and know we have some time later in the week, but as that time approaches conscious or unconscious thoughts and feelings start to churn.

Writing a blog feels quite exposing, others could disagree with what we write, they could voice that, or they might just think what we've writen is dumb. It all sounds rather threatening and so some how there are many other admin tasks much more important and safer than writing that post.

Or we feel a pull to meet new people, and see a group advertised that is something we've wanted to try and we could meet like minded people there. We maybe get as far as signing up, but leading up to it we are nervous, what if others are there with friends and we are the only one to turn up on our own, what if no one talks to us. The unknown and risk of rejection feels too much and we make our excuses and don't attend.

Or maybe we want to create a healthier habit like getting to bed earlier or eating healthier, we try again and again but roll on to the next episode of the series or find the snacks coming out. Although we may not consciously know it, if we stop distracting by watching or eating there may be feelings there, maybe of worry, anxiety, sadness or anger. So again we're protecting ourselves from feeling those by continuing the behaviour that distracts us from them.

In all of these examples, are we actively sabotaging ourselves, or are we protecting ourselves? The protection is usually there, even if its isn't obvious.

How is it to see the vulnerability behind the behaviour rather than labelling the behaviour?

This is why I don't use the term 'Self Sabotage', I would rather see the feeling behind the behaviour and meet that with no judgement, shaming or making it wrong.

Once we see the feeling we can explore it gently and compassionately, rather trying again and again to change the behaviour, which means the feeling is suppressed, bulldozed out of the way or grin and beared. Through this exploration we can often find a way of meeting both our needs of achieving our goal and feeling safe while doing so.

If you would like to look at your behaviour or whats behind it, get in touch for exploration with no judgement, shaming or making it wrong.