Understanding Our Reactions: Are They Out of Proportion or Valid Responses to All We are Holding?

Have you ever reacted in a way that felt too strong, too intense, or not like you at all? Maybe others have told you your response was out of proportion, or you’ve labeled it as overreacting. But what if that reaction wasn't too much? What if it was a completely appropriate response to what’s actually going on beneath the surface?

This post explores how our reactions reflect our deeper truths about our experiences, emotions, and needs.

Image by Stephanie Hau

Why We Judge Our Reactions

When emotions flare, it’s common to doubt ourselves. We ask: Am I overreacting? Is this normal? Whats wrong with me? Society often sets unspoken rules about how we should respond to situations. If our feelings don’t fit those rules, we might feel shame or confusion.

This doubt can come from:

• Past experiences where expressing emotions was discouraged, shamed or wronged

• Fear of judgment from others

• Cultural or family norms about emotional expression

  
  

But emotions serve a multitude of purposes. Within our reactions they can signal what matters to us or what feels safe for us. When we label a reaction as “too much,” we might be ignoring the real message behind it.

What Lies Behind Our Reactions

Our reactions have a story and they are shaped by:

• Past experiences: Trauma, loss, or repeated patterns that can intensify how we respond.

• Current stressors: Ongoing challenges can lower our emotional tolerance.

• Unmet needs: Feeling unheard, unsafe, or disrespected can trigger strong emotions.

• Our individual capacity: We all have our own emotional and neurological capacity.

• Personal values: When something clashes with what is important to us, reactions can be fierce.

  
  

For example, someone who grew up in an environment where their feelings were dismissed might react strongly to perceived rejection. Their reaction is not random but a protective response shaped by history.

Responding to the Present vs. Reacting from Past Triggers

Firstly to call out, theres no shame here! If we are reacting to triggers from our past thats useful information for us and not to be used to shame us or make our response wrong. We are all responding from our own filter of past experiences, for some of us those experiences have been challenging, for us to then explore them needs to be respected and held supportively.

Being able to decipher whether we are responding to the present or reacting from past triggers is not always easy. Here are some ways to tell the difference:

• Context matters: Is the reaction fitting the situation’s importance? If a seemingly small comment triggers intense emotion, it might be linked to something deeper.

• Duration and intensity: Present responses can often calm down after the situation resolves. Persistent, overwhelming reactions might be linked to something else.

• Impact on relationships: If reactions consistently harm connections, it’s worth exploring them.

• Self-awareness: Understanding your triggers helps distinguish between present reality and past wounds.

  
  

Another important note to call out, if our response has been intensified with a past trigger, it doesn't invalidate the response. We may have responded with more anger, sadness or fear than fitted the current situation, but that situation still warranted emotion and that is not negated if a trigger has intensified the feeling.

Whether our reaction is to the present or from the past it can be helpful to explore and respect what it reveals about our inner world.

Steps to Explore Reactions

1. Pause and tune in: When you notice a strong reaction, take a moment to breathe and ask what you’re really feeling, what wants to be heard in you, what is your reaction trying to communicate?

2. Notice what it reminds you of: Does this situation remind you of a time from your past?

3. Identify triggers: Keep a note to track situations that provoke intense responses.

4. Explore underlying needs: Ask yourself what you need in that moment - safety, respect, understanding, compassion?

5. Communicate clearly: Share your feelings with trusted people, either in the moment or after the moment.

6. Practice self-compassion: Practice accepting your feelings without judgment - as much as you are able, and if you can't, let's try not to shame or judge that either. No judgement if you if you do.

7. Seek support: If you are looking at these steps and they feel impossible or at the least seriously challenging, therapy can help. We can explore the above along with anything else you are experiencing.

We all have factors shaping our reactions, it's not about shaming or judging ourselves, but about becoming curious about whats happening for us and what we are experiencing when we react. If you want support with this, please get in touch.